


burn this love of mine

by rioshika



Series: you were my favorite what if. [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Character Study, Family Death, Gen, Major Spoilers, Post Birthright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-05 09:14:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5369855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rioshika/pseuds/rioshika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shigure isn't dishonest, even less to himself, but there are a few things keeping him from accepting the truth. Some of them may be a prince and his past with his parents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i don't really know how long this will be, but so far i've got three chapters, may extend it a bit if it comes down to that. major spoilers for chapter 15 and endgame of birthright; suzukaze doesn't survive chapter 15 and aqua dies at the end of the route.

After the war ends, the first winter is spent in the village his father grew up in. It’s a small place with men coming and going from the capital, women dedicating themselves to raising the children and applying discipline in their homes. His own, if he could call it that, is with the man born alongside his father. He is not unkind and Shigure is grateful of his uncle’s hospitality, but the only place he could ever call home was with Lady Aqua.

 

The village itself is near a river and nestled among mountains, cold all year round but not unbearably so. The river becomes his best friend and confidant, many an evening spent crying by its side. It has a soothing feeling, somehow- he knows mother could control water to some extent and their reunion was at sea, but that would imply any place with water would become home. That’s not the case at all.

 

If anything, it might have to do with his own father, the ninja who died defending the lost prince. Shigure does not resent Lord Kamui, knows that any retainer would have done so for their liege; the catch is, however, that Suzukaze hadn’t been Lord Kamui’s retainer. He lies to himself saying that he does not hold any animosity towards the prince, because there is no resentment, but he was never a good liar to begin with. Mother wouldn’t be proud of him, either.

 

The letter he receives from the capital is a surprise, though whether it’s a pleasant one or not is unknown to himself. Lord Kamui’s caligraphy is flawless for someone who spent their life speaking, writing and reading another language entirely, the message conveyed not so pleasant to read. The invitation to the capital is not something he wants to take up at all, but graves for his parents had been finally made. The only thought sends a chill down his spine, makes his head spin with thoughts he does not want. _(Please leave me alone, please just do that, I don't want your pity----)_

 

Lady Aqua had disappeared into water, and Suzukaze’s body was never recovered from nohrian territory. If anything, the graves are vaguely symbolic with a nostalgic value to them. Shigure is not sure if that’s what his parents would have liked, but whether they do or not, he bids his uncle’s family a momentary goodbye, takes his pegasus and leaves for the capital. The wind of Hoshido is clean and cool, makes him feel relaxed after a long time. For someone whose family had always been closer to the forests and water, he feels at much more ease in the sky. If tears spill down he doesn’t care, the only ones who saw him are clouds.

 

He is received at the capital by Lord Kamui and his retainers. Felicia is warm and nice, but Joker eyes him with distrust constantly. Maybe he knows about his dreams of the prince dying instead of his parents, though that is impossible. Maybe he simply doesn’t appreciate his presence. Regardless of his retainers, Lord Kamui is kind and seems almost guilty. Explaining that he wants to keep his visit to the capital short, the prince directs him to his quarters for the night, the next day would be spent by a nearby lake. The room is small for one that belongs to a royal family, but it is enough. It’s better than sleeping with his pegasus in the stables at any rate.

 

Morning comes and the lake itself is beautiful, frozen as it is. According to the prince, he had met Lady Aqua there, singing to herself by the sundown, back when the water was still liquid in his hands and the trees were green. He sees the beauty of it all, wonders if his mother felt the same connexion to the lake, but some questions will always be left without an answer. It's almost a cruel irony, the prince trying to bond with him in the same place where he met his mother, even when Shigure makes vague insinuations of an unwanted friendship. _(But no, there is no resentment at all.)_

 

Shigure is then directed to a clearing by the forest, almost hand by hand. The air feels stale and he is nearly breathless when he spots the “grave”; his mother’s Blessed Lance and a well-known purple scarf hanging from it, all covered in vines. He is almost sure he can see other things around, maybe the few things they managed to rescue, but those stand out the most. If Shigure starts crying, then Kamui keeps quiet.

 

He departs that very same night, not wanting to spend more time among the royals. It’s dangerous to fly when it’s dark, but the need to leave is much more greater. At least in the known safety of his uncle’s house he’ll have someone willing to lend him an ear, maybe two for that matter. It’s then that he thinks, sure he has grown even closer to Gurei after the war ended, but their differences are too big. He has siblings who had always been there for him whereas Shigure is all alone; nevermind if mother had talked about his father’s dreams of a daughter, he has always been and will always be an only child. Once again, clouds are his only witnesses.

 

The memory of mother's words linger, however; father had dreamed of having a daughter, one that never came with his early death. Had father truly loved him, then? It's painful to even entertain the thought, but the truth is clear, the unwanted son of a prestigious family. Shigure wonders if father felt the same being the second son of a man known in the entire kingdom, the son who had no right to inherit a stupid title. For that, the azure-haired man is resentful, for his father had deserved more than that, and himself needed the love only him could give. How foolish of him to think that he would ever be important in the eyes of a man who only wanted one thing in life.

 

_(Damn Kamui, damn them all.)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written in one morning when i realized it has been almost a week since i posted the first chapter lmao. final chapter will come within a week most likely, i have some other ficlets i want to add to this series (they're about hinata/kazahana, éponine and saizou/kagerou though none of them have happy endings, any preferences as to which one i should proceed with after this is done?)
> 
> i reccomend listening "el mañana" by gorillaz for the atmosphere, but the lyrics have little to do with this.

By the time the second winter comes, Shigure has toughened up. He no longer spends entire afternoons by a river crying over lost people to a war, and he has opened up more to his uncle's family. They're a tight-knit bunch despite their conflicts (he knows uncle Saizou means well, that Gurei is simply being his usual self with justified reasons and that his aunt tries her best to keep away from each other's throat) and he doesn't necessarily feel out-of-place, has never been given a reason to feel like that, but it makes Shigure wonder if his own family would've been like that or different.

 

He does not bother thinking about it as there are other things to do, like keeping his cousin from getting into trouble again. Despite Gurei being more than capable and being roughly the same age, out of the two it has always been Shigure the sane man of their antics. He does not mind and has even come to see it as an endearing trait, but when Saizou had specifically told them that they'd be needed at home (it feels foreign, calling it that, but not bad exactly) it's more than a little annoying. After some harmless manipulation on his part they leave the river's side, nevermind if it felt like leaving something behind.

 

Turns out Gurei had been the only one needed, sent to the capital to be appointed in a mission. Shigure's curiosity picks in as to why he wasn't needed, but he thought it was probably a "ninja" thing, one he never understood because he never grew up with his father. No place for a pegasus knight has never been much of a problem, for he never actually wanted to fight, is sure that none of the children ever wanted to. He would ask his uncle why though, but the expression in his face says it all. ( _We still need to talk_.)

 

Rough around the edges but caring in his own way to the son of a man he could never tell how important he was to him, Saizou leads him to a room on the inhabited parts of the house, big as it is. As far as he knows (and it isn't much, never bothered to ask) their family has been around for roughly two centuries serving under the name Saizou. Shigure is not sure whether he should be surprised or should have expected it, not with his lack of insight on the topic. The room itself isn't anything surprising, seems unkept for the most part, almost as if no one had stepped in for years. It doesn't take him too long to figure out where he is.

 

_"This room used to be my father's, or am I wrong?"_

 

And they talk. About the past, about the family, about what Shigure is going to do now. As head of the family it should be his uncle's job to seek him an engagement to secure the clan's lineage, but he is not a heartless man. The choice is there, "you could stay here and you'd be welcome", "you could formally join the pegasus knights", "you could train as a ninja, you have the makings". What he does not listen but still knows is that "I could be the man your father couldn't". Just like himself, there is a hint of resentment but everybody knew of Saizou never trusting Kamui. Maybe it's a family thing.

 

Despite the choice being there Shigure is rendered speechless, unable to give an answer. It's too little, too much at the same time. He has never looked for a replacement, accepted his role as one of the many war orphans albeit begrudgingly. It shouldn't be his uncle's job to make sure he is a decent human being. (It should've been my father's.) He has seen the work the man in front of him has done with his cousin, the damage he caused to Gurei that not even a new-found bond could fix. Saizou is not a bad person, but he wasn't fit to take care properly of his own son.

 

The insecurity is voiced and he understands, really, he does- but it hurts because Shigure is right and maybe that's the thing Saizou and his brother had in common. Both of them failed, though in different ways. If Shigure cries, it's because his uncle at least had the chance to redeem himself, whereas he is stuck with a half grave where almost no human being has stepped in, that no one but him will remember to visit or take care of.

 

( _Without even acknowledging it, the scar is open again_.)

 

A letter is sent from Emperor Ryouma offering him the belongings of Lady Aqua with an apology of not offering them earlier. Going all the way to the capital after a year is not something he's even vaguely excited for, but maybe the answers he needs are there. For all her sweetness, she kept a lot of things about herself from her own son. The azure-haired man isn't sure what to make of it, if he should go and claim what he feels is his, or simply leave the royal family be, deny their attempts to help with the healing process. They're all done with the mourning to their credit, but no one has truly healed.

 

He hates to leave at such a sensible time, but Shigure takes his pegasus and leaves for the capital, hopefully the last time he'll step in there. The roads are almost the same, but the villages he passes by have finally been reconstructed and it's then that he thinks, "we sacrificed a lot to see this". What happens in Nohr isn't to his interest nor does he have knowledge about it, but what he does is of mother's connection to the nohrians. (The possibility of being King Garon's grandson is present, but rumor has it Lady Aqua hadn't been his daughter. _Who knows_.)

 

All he takes is a pendant his mother refused to teach him how to use, but it's enough.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last part of this fic, my apologies for the late update but a sudden job came up and the festivities wouldn't leave me alone. as i said on tumblr "you were my favorite what if" will be my last additions to the FE fandom due to some unsavory advances from its followers (or, at least, the tumblr fanbase) that had left me feeling better off working for other videogames, series, etc. if anyone still wishes to discuss a shigure fathered by suzukaze post-birthright route (because i don't feel i did it justice), come and talk to me on tumblr (@rottenalmond), although i will keep it private most likely.
> 
> asako is @wildheartmustang's creation and she kindly let me borrow her for this fic. if the ending of this feels vague and as if something was lacking, then i achieved what i wanted.

With the third winter comes a realization he couldn’t quite see before: look for answers on his own. He isn’t going to ask prince Kamui nor any of the royals for that matter, because for all he knows mother was a replacement goldfish in their lost brother’s place. And mother deserved much more than that.

 

His uncle still cries when he thinks no one is looking, Gurei still tries his damned best to defy whatever rule he can without being considered a worthless effort. (Gurei’s little sister, a darling child born after the war simply looks at him with big eyes, calm and composed as a toddler can be, a stunning fact because with everyone else she’s a complete monster. _Finally a child that takes after his uncle._ ) Meanwhile, his aunt counts her blessings because they’re all making her sprout gray hairs ealy with their more than strange habits. Shigure laughs at his family’s antics and it feels great to think of them as his family without a lingering sensation of “I don’t belong here at all, my place should be and could have been somewhere else”. Being around them has done him good to the point where he questions if his parents had stayed he’d be even half the man he is now.

 

Father would have go on becoming Lord Kamui’s retainer, increasing the distance between them. Where that puts mother- he does not know, but probably still out of his reach with her uncomprensible and honest deep-to-heart unnecesary mysteriousness. She hadn’t been a tool for the royals to use during the war, but she had let them use her as such and it hurts because Shigure had been her son, not one of them. He wanted answers and now he only has a pendant.

 

The resentment so deeply buried in him blossomed with the acceptance that yes, one could partially blame (albeit if unrationally) the deaths of those close to him on the prince. He is glad that doesn’t extend to the Lord’s daughter, Kanna, who had in more than one occation visited on her father’s behalf to see if he was alright. Three years hadn’t changed all his thinking proccess, however- the worry and the most likely guilt was still unwanted, but Shigure learned to cope with it. But he is not glad because Kanna isn’t responsible for the trouble her father created, or because of some lingering affection towards her that some could misinterpret. Rather, he thinks of her as the little sister he could have had, if mother’s words were true (but as of lately, he suspects a lot she said wasn’t, or maybe it was and she kept her reasonings to herself), would have loved to get along properly with Kanna as they could have given Lady Aqua and Lord Kamui were quite close (and this is the only thing he’s sure of, an affair never happened between the two).

 

This would be the last time he ever packs his things and apologises to his pegasus for the long ride ahead, if his suspicions are true. He promises his family he won’t be gone for too long, possibly just a few months or even weeks if he’s lucky, bids goodbye to the family of a man who knew what to do after he had already messed up (if Shigure is honest with himself, now for real because maturing tends to do that, uncle Saizou was his favorite relative, despite his aunt’s attempts at nurturing, Gurei’s constant attempts to make him come out of his melancholic shell and little Asako’s big round eyes almost pleading for him to not go. Shigure chalks it up to his uncle having the same face as father). He knows they’ll be right there when he returns, but the thought of leaving them hurts nevertheless. Without giving them a second look Shigure takes to the sky, breathing the cold air, sending a chill to the bone. He missed flying during the winter.

 

The first stop is the grave of his parents. It looks like no one had seen it in the past year and he can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing. One would have thought if Lady Aqua and Suzukaze meant so much to the dragon prince he would’ve made sure their graves were well taken care of, but that is not the case. The young man decides not to dwell on it and leave that man in the past. As things were, he would never have to see Lord Kamui again and, in a way, he is grateful. The resentment masked as something else had no place in his heart anymore, despite acknowledging its existance. Some things were better left in the past.

 

It is almost sundown by the time he leaves the grave, the cold air sweeping his bangs. A reminder that his time was running out there, and that he had other things to do. He had no intention of visiting the royal family but Kanna had pleaded him in her last letter- she had been so kind to drop by whenever she could, so the least he could do was the same. Even though he had refused to see the prince, Kanna directs him to her father either way, “ _I believe he needs to talk to you_ ”. Shigure keeps quiet through it all, an stoic expression ever present in his face as he listens to the man in front of him, asking for forgiveness and offering information on his mother. As tempting as it is, Shigure refuses and asks to be dismissed. Prince or not, he would not get his sympathy with that.

 

The night feels long and he does not get much sleep. Trying to find out about mother would be pointless as she left nothing behind, makes him rethink the last choice he made. Is he really willing to chase after an impossibility when he has been given plenty to work with? So he writes a formal request to join the pegasus knights, if only to keep himself busy. Shigure does not know how mother or father would have reacted to such a thing but they matter no longer; they are gone and they are not coming back. Winters flying through Hoshido finally made him realize and it's then that he thinks, " _burn this love of mine_ ", because all the love he had towards his parents had brought him nothing, they weren't around for him. If he needs someone's aproval, it would be his uncle's, his aunt's, or even Gurei's, people that stuck around. And so, when the morning comes, he goes back to the castle, presents the letter to Lord Kamui thinking that he at least owes him that, the least he could do.

 

( _The letter he sends home a week later surprises everyone. Shigure wanted answers about his mother, not join the army. Then again, there are some things that would be always impossible to know._ )


End file.
